Devil's Head Diary

The Theory of Corpulent Polarity


To my knowledge, scientific inquiry into the topic of Corpulent Polarity is limited. My serious research began in the early 1980s, when it dawned on me that my weight was becoming exceedingly easy to observe, and my tennis game was affected. When moved vertically to return a high lob, my skeletal form would perform as usual but there was a delay in lift-off for the soft tissue.

Initially, diet and exercise seemed the way to go but when that produced disappointing results, I expanded my quest and remembered that matter—the physical substance of our world—exists. Matter can be altered but matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Hence, when a person loses weight, it is not really lost. Obviously, this unjust law of physics was affecting me.

Was it some form of magnetic force upon “lost” matter that mattered? This had to be an environmental problem affecting the atmosphere.

In my youth “bean-pole” and “rail”—as in “skinny as a”—were used to describe my less-than-Rubenesque physique. Weight had never been of concern to me. In a moment of contemplation, I realized that several neighbors had joined a weight loss program. They had “lost” the equivalent of an entire person. I had gained approximately one-third of that person.

What was acting on the “lost” matter?

After all, when you consider the effect of the moon’s gravitational pull on the liquid matter that constitutes the world’s oceans, it would seem reasonable that its first cousin, magnetism, would affect matter released into the atmosphere. Magnetism, like electricity, is magical—invisibly moving things through space and holding objects in suspension. It is a silent, powerful energy that is primarily known through observable effects of attracting and repelling forces.

For the less scholarly inclined, interest in magnetism dwindles as a passionate truth-seeking endeavor once one has tired of those magnetic draw-a-face toys of childhood.

But I was on the verge of a breakthrough. Something about the group of neighbors had caused a negative polarity that sent blasts of matter into the atmosphere. As a sole human unit, wandering through the neighborhood, I obviously had developed a positive polarity. Polarity had to be the controlling factor in the redistribution of matter, and for that matter, corpulence.

That would explain why exercise, diet and fasting often have no effect in reversing mid-section expansion. The success or failure that a dieter experiences is not a matter of “will power,” as we have been fraudulently led to believe, it is a matter of corpulent polarity.

If you are lucky enough to be in negative polarity the weight will seemingly melt away. If you are in a positive polarity you are doomed to not just hold your own weight in stasis but also attract and retain the weight “lost” by others.

Further data is being analyzed to identify the exacerbating effects of electronic devices, rain, synthetic fibers and puffy vests upon one’s corpulent polarity. I am even now devising a mobile app for my smart phone to temporarily reverse my own positive polarity and instantly transfer excess matter onto those negatively polarized persons in the vicinity, but so far the effect has been temporary. Should my experiments succeed, however, those closest to me will be the first to know it.

Carolyn Wiley conducts her research in Longbranch.