How I Learned to Stop Loathing Mushrooms, or Why Diversity Is Good

If someone like me can learn not to hate something as awful as a mushroom, there is hope for us all.”

“Clean these,” he said. It was a pile of filthy, disgusting mushrooms we had foraged in this primeval forest called De Sallandse Heuvelrug (the Salland Ridge), somewhere in the horribly flat, tulip-infested Netherlands.

I was there working for a few months. I met this guy, who seemed reasonable enough at the time (though I had been drinking), so we hung out and everything was fine for a couple of weeks until he took me home to meet the family. That was the first red flag. Then, he said, let’s go hiking, which seemed normal until it turned into a godawful mushroom quest.

Have you ever hunted mushrooms? It’s like cleaning your bathroom, only less fun. At least if you despise fungus, as I do. Or did.

Then the guy flipped out when I started washing his disgusting mushrooms of the filth where he’d found them. “What are you doing?” he screamed, in Dutch, but I got the message. “Don’t get them wet!”

“Who cares?” I yelled back, doing my own flip out of pent-up anger, one of the many perks to knowing me. “Everyone hates mushrooms! And everyone hates you! Everyone in this room!” That was a total lie. Friends and family surrounded him, and if they hated anyone, it was me, but I live in the moment. 

It was not a relationship destined to last.

Some years later, too many to count, I wound up down here on my secretive KP compound with a few respectfully distant neighbors. One day, despite myself, one of them showed up with a bunch of shrooms she’d found somewhere. I was aghast, but poured her a mug full of expensive gin and politely explained my lifelong loathing for those awful things. 

She patiently listened to my slurs and rants and then suggested that perhaps I just hadn’t experienced mushrooms properly, along with some other things, like society. She would be delighted to show me how it’s done. And if someone like me can learn not to hate something as awful as a mushroom, there is hope for us all.

How to Cook Mushrooms According to Katrina’s Long-suffering Neighbor

Ingredients

1 pound of mushrooms will feed four people as a side. I don’t care what you use, but a combination of different kinds yields a richer dish. Dare I say that diversity is good? Wash, trim, and slice into chunky pieces.

1 tablespoon unsalted butter, or whatever.

1-3 cloves or so garlic, crushed and minced, depending on your tastes. A word on garlic: Let it sit for 10 minutes after mashing. Gives it time to come to full strength.

1 big, nasty shallot, diced. Same goes as for garlic, by the way.

Some kind of wine, preferably Madeira, but any port in a storm, right? 

1/2 cup chicken broth, or whatever.

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1/2 teaspoon soy sauce

1 teaspoon or so of dried thyme or rosemary, salt, and pepper. Maybe a smidge of white pepper if you’re heat-curious.

Procedure:

1. CLEAN YOUR MUSHROOMS IN WATER. Yes, I put that in all caps, so that Dutch SOB can read it without wearing his trendy socialized medicine glasses. In fact, soak them in water and stir them, then scoop out and marvel at all the dirt left behind. 

2. SAUTÉ YOUR MUSHROOMS IN WATER. For a pound of shrooms, try about one-quarter cup of water on medium heat. The water will turn gray and ugly, which means the moisture in the mushrooms is leaking out, and the air pockets that make mushrooms nature’s sponge are collapsing. Cook it down until it all evaporates. Go ahead and crowd the pan and cover it for a few minutes at the start if you want. You’re steaming these things — heretical to shroom zealots — until they’re dry and sticking to the pan.

3. Turn the heat down, add half a tablespoon of butter, maybe more if it all gets absorbed, and then the shallot. Add garlic after a couple of minutes.

4. Deglaze with a splash of wine. Doesn’t matter what color, and it doesn’t take much; remember, you’ll need some too to wash this all down. Give it a stir or two for a few minutes.

5. Add broth, Worcestershire, soy sauce, and whatever herbs and spices. If you’re using fresh rosemary, try a stem and remove it before serving.

6. Give it a taste and add another shot of wine, or try some sherry vinegar or lemon if you want some zing. Try sprinkling with Parmesan cheese before serving, which will astound all comers.

Or Make a Steak Sauce!

Ingredients

Some kind of steak. I go for the cheapest available. I salt and air it out in the fridge for a day, then sous vide it for a few hours in a drunken marinade (steak, not me, usually) and sear at the end. 

A shot of good oil

1 pound of whatever mushrooms, WASHED and sliced. Cheaper the better for this application.

Another big, nasty shallot

Couple garlics, crushed and minced

1 teaspoon or so dried thyme, double if you’ve got fresh.

1 cup dry white wine

1 cup beef or whatever stock

1/2 cup heavy cream

Procedure:

1. Slowly heat a big skillet, then add 1/4 cup water and shrooms, as above. When all the ugly liquid has evaporated, add oil slowly, just enough after some gets absorbed. 

2. Add shallots, garlic, and thyme, stirring and scraping for another 5 minutes or more on medium heat, until shrooms are nicely browned and it smells glorious.

3. Now turn the heat up and add the wine to deglaze. Reduce until it’s nearly gone, then add the broth and reduce that by half, and turn heat to low.

4. When sauce has cooled quite a bit, add the cream and simmer until it thickens. If you can’t tell, stick a spoon in there and run your finger down the back. If the line stays, it’s thick. Tasting helps too. Might want some salt and pepper here, depending on what you did to your steak.

5. Oh, yeah, remember the steak? Add cooked and rested meat to this glorious cream bath and let it warm to serve with a bunch of shroomy sauce on top.

Please enjoy this printable version of this month's KP Cooks.